


Stay Alive For Me

by storming_wolf



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cancer, Car Accidents, Coma, Depression, M/M, Memory Loss, Slight POV shift, Wakes & Funerals, minor homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-17
Updated: 2015-07-11
Packaged: 2018-04-04 21:35:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4153821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storming_wolf/pseuds/storming_wolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I remember when I hit rock bottom. I remember not remembering anything at all. I remember struggling to find myself again.</p><p>I remember falling in love with my best friend all over again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What Is Sure To Die

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first multi-chapter in the series, but it's still not that long   
> (The little stories leading up to the main one are basically the trials and tribulations they faced in their relationship for backstory because the story is en medias res ^.^)
> 
> So I'm not familiar with Military funerals and I don't want to dwell on the subject of those because my brother is active duty, but I did a little research and I hope it's not terribly wrong.  
> *subliminally makes 21P lyric refs

I remember when I hit rock bottom. It started with my dad's death. I was pushed over the edge with one word.

Cancer.

They confirmed that Cas had osteosarcoma. It started in his back and spread to his leg. That's why he had so many back pains last year.

The following week was the longest of my life. On Saturday, Cas was in surgery to get a biopsy of the tumors and possibly remove them. The risk was that he would never walk again. I was terrified for him. He loved running and he loved yoga. It would kill him.

"Lieutenant John Eric Winchester was an honorable soldier, and he gave the ultimate sacrifice for the country. But we must also honor his family, wife Mary, and sons Dean and Samuel, who stood beside their husband and father until the end," the Chaplain said.

I jumped at the sound of the gun salute for my father. Mom, Sam and I stood and watched as a member from the Marine band played Taps. With every note blared by the trumpet, I felt a piece of my heart break. Two uniformed Marine's folded the flag that rested on top of the mostly empty coffin.

It was a closed-casket ceremony, but I got a quick glance at Dad's body. I wish I hadn't.

They gave mom the flag and the colonel walked over to me. He placed a medal around my neck and then stood before Sam. He knelt down and put one around Sam's neck too.

I was pretty out of it the whole ceremony. Before I knew it, we were already at the brunch. A bunch of people I don't know but apparently knew Dad were talking to me. My fourth cousin twice removed or something like that was talking about something irrelevant when my phone rang. It was Gabriel. I abruptly cut her off and answered.

"Gabe, how is he?" I asked.

"They removed most of the tumor on his back, but they can't bother the one on his leg surgically. They risk damaging the nerve to much. They have to use inpatient chemo for now, and they think he'll be here until November the earliest," Gabriel explained.

"November? W-Where is he now?" I asked.

"He's in another procedure right now. They're putting a catheter in his chest for the chemo," Gabriel said. "But he'll be done in 15 minutes and awake within the hour."

"I'm on my way," I said.

"You don't have to rush over. He understands," Gabriel said.

"I...I need him right now Gabe. I really need him," I said before hanging up.

"Everything alright?" My some how relative asked.

"My boyfriend...he's being treated for cancer and he just got out of surgery," I said. She looked a little taken aback by that.

"I didn't know John's kid was a fag," She chuckled. I called my fist at that word. In dating Cas, discrimination and hate happened, but it didn't make it any easier to handle, especially when your emotions are high.

I rolled my eyes and began seeking out mom.

"Hey sweetheart," Mom kissed my forehead.

"Cas just got out of surgery. They can't...they can't do anything about the tumor that paralyzed him," I said sadly. "But they're trying with chemo."

"You be with him. I bet he needs you," Mom said. In all honesty, I needed him just as much.

After the ceremony, I went to the hospital where Cas was lying in his room, still asleep from the surgery. I don't think I've ever seen him so exhausted. He had bruises on his arms from all of the tests and IVs. I slowly approached the bedside and took his hand gently. He opened his eyes when I did. His eyes looked tired and dead, but he still made me breathless and think

Wow.

"How was the service?" Cas asked weakly.

"Okay I guess. There was a lot of crying and a lot of hugging. But I guess that's funerals," I said.

"I said a prayer for your family, before I went under," Cas said, linking his fingers with mine. He was falling back asleep.

"You should've prayed for yourself," I told him. We weren't very religious like his family. We went to church if my mom didn't work that day, we knew about the bible and it's contents, and my mom always tells me angels are watching over me and Sammy, but it wasn't a big thing for us. I didn't pray a lot. But I can say that I pray for Cas a lot now. For him to get better, because I can't lose him too.

"My talks with God, I'll do what I want," Cas said in a sassy, yet sleepy way. I slightly smiled at him as he fell asleep.

* * *

Cas started chemo after his surgery and it sucked. He went from looking a little sick to looking like he was deathly ill. His skin was ghostly white except for his eyes which were sunken and dark. His lips were dry and he had lost even more weight since he couldn't keep anything down. I think everyday I visited him to find him sleeping, I was terrified.

I would lie in the hospital bed with him and hold him. About a week after he started chemo, he rested his head on my chest and sat up and a clump of his short black locks remained.

He cried all day.

Overtime, he regained feeling in his leg and could walk again with a brace and walker. Some days we would walk around the hospital together.

April 24th came and it was our 3 year anniversary.

Cas had been in the hospital for a little over 2 months at this point. He couldn’t leave, so I ditched school and surprised Cas with a bunch of roses and balloons. When I went to his room, he didn't see me come in and was staring at the mirror crying, running his fingers through his hair, the last few clumps coming out.

"Cassie," I whispered.

"Break up with me," he whispered back.

"Cas, what the hell are you talking about?" I asked.

"You don't need this...you don't need me. I'm just ruining your life. Break up with me....I'm giving you the chance for a normal life," Cas said.

"No, Cas, baby, I need you," I don't think I've ever sounded so desperate in my life, but I was. "My dad's death broke me, and having you, no matter how sick you are, having you is keeping me together right now. I love you and you're my everything Cas. You're everything and more to me angel."

I discarded the stuff I bought on his bed and held Cas as we cried. I helped him back into bed and held him as we lied together.

“I’m dying Dean...let me go while you still can,” Cas said.

“I’m never letting you go.”

Cas fell asleep in my arms and after a while, I went into the bathroom. I took off my hoodie and stared at my reflection in the mirror.

A stranger looked back at me. My eyes were dark and lifeless and scars littered my arms. It was getting warmer and I had no idea how I would explain that to anyone.

I didn’t want to admit that I was depressed. I didn’t want to say that I needed help, but deep down I knew something was wrong with me. But it wasn’t relevant.

I returned to Cas’ room and he was awake, reading the card I got him and smiling. I couldn’t find one about boyfriends, so I found one that was from a boyfriend to a girlfriend and crossed out with a red marker each instance of the word girlfriend and changed it to boyfriend.

“You okay?” I asked.

“I’m better,” Cas whispered. “This is cute.”

“I try,” I said, leaning over the bed and kissing him. I reached into my back pocket and pulled out an old AC/DC beanie that I had. He smiled and slipped it over his now bald head.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

"Hey boys," Mom said as she entered the room with a clipboard. "Its funny I haven't been your nurse until today, Cas."

"I feel like today isn’t a coincidence," I said, afraid she would yell at me for ditching.

"Maybe," Mom replied. "I need to check your vitals before chemo. Is everything okay? You two look like you've been crying."

"I think we're both just a bit depressed," Cas muttered. I pressed my lips against his jawline and took his hand. I didn't want to think about being depressed.

Mom went on to take Cas' vitals. "You're doing good today Cas. Are you ready for chemo?"

"Do I have a choice?" Cas asked with a sad smile.

"I'll call Tessa," Mom said before leaving the room. I saw Cas stare out the window, tears glistening in his eyes.

"They keep telling me I'm sick, but I felt fine before this stupid chemo," Cas said. "Why do you still love me, Dean?"

"Because 4 years ago, you couldn't tell me I was bisexual. You couldn't tell me that I'd be crazy for a guy...that I'd be crazy for you. Because you changed me for the better and I'm gonna stick with you until the end," I said. He turned into my chest and I held him until he Tessa came in with his treatment. I was afraid that he sensed his death and that was why he was pushing me away. I was losing him.


	2. Am I Dreaming Dead?

I don’t really remember July of 2005.

My Mom was working a midnight and she had called me. She was on the verge of crying as she said two words.

“It’s Cas.”

On his 16th birthday, in a hospital in Kansas, Cas had 8 seizures in an hour and slipped into a coma. They weren’t sure why and they weren’t sure if he would wake up. If he did, they weren’t sure if he would still be him.

There are too many unknowns in life. I had to see for myself that he was okay. I had to hold his hand and wake him up. I had to kiss him, hold him, and even though we’re too young and it was illegal, I had to marry him.

I was going 80 in a 20, I couldn’t see thanks to a combination of rain and my tears, but I did see two headlights and the sound of a truck horn before I saw and felt nothing at all.

* * *

_“We have a John Doe, mid teens. He swerved his car into a tree,” the EMT said._

_“BP?”_

_“71 over 41 and dropping.”_

_“We need all hands on deck!” a nurse yelled. Nearby nurses who weren’t busy followed into the trauma bay._

_“Dean!!!”_

_“Mary-”_   
  
_“That’s my son! Oh my God, that’s my son…”_

_“You don’t need to see this,” Another nurse pulled her out of the room. They cut off his clothes and a nurse examined his arm to put in an IV._

_“I don’t think these are from the accident,” she gestured to the scars._

I felt a hand on my shoulder as the surroundings fell grey. I turned to see Cas. It was Cas, but he looked healthy again. He even had hair.

“You don’t want to watch this…” he led me out of the hospital room.

“C-Cas? How, what’s happening? What happened to me?” I asked.

“You’re in a coma,” Cas said. “Not dead, but not really alive.”

“I’m dying?” I asked. “You’re dying?”

“Not exactly. It’s like a halfway I think. When I first got diagnosed, this happened, but I didn’t really remember until I came back here,” Cas explained. “We can’t do anything in our bodies, so why not roam around. I’ve met a few others.  The longer you stay here though, the more you forget your life.”

“Where are you? I mean, your body?” I asked.

“Intensive care. I don’t wanna see it. I’m on life support,” Cas said. He took my hand and led me to the hospital chapel. We sat in the back pews. It was empty. “I usually come here until it’s over.”

“How do you know it’s over?” I asked.

“I’m not sure,” Cas said. He took my hand. I looked down at my body, at first seeing the bloody and battered version from the crash, but then seeing myself in the pyjamas I was in. Sleeveless pyjamas. Cas was staring at the marks and I willed them to go away. They didn’t.

“Why didn’t you talk to me?” he whispered.

“I-I couldn’t...you have so much more to worry about, and you don’t need to be focused on me right now,” I said.

“Dean Winchester, I love you and care about you. I don’t care if I’m dead, you better talk to my ghost if something is wrong,” Cas said. “Your dad died and you didn’t even get a chance to grieve before I got sick. That’s a huge emotional strain and you kept that inside, and that made it worse...that made you sadder. Your dad wouldn’t want you to be doing this to yourself, and I know you don’t want to be doing it to yourself.”

“How do you know that?” I asked.

“Would you take your sadness and anger out on your mom? Or Sammy? Or me? Would you hurt us?” Cas asked.

“Of course not,” I said.

“Then why did you do it to yourself?”

He left before I could think of an answer.

I sat in the chapel for a long time doing some soul searching. Cas was right. I didn’t want to be doing this to myself, but I had no idea how else to cope. I was never good at expressing my emotions, and hurting myself was easier. Crazy enough, pain bought me comfort.

I wandered around the hospital a lot. I couldn’t find Cas’ room. I was really scared that he had died.

One day I found my hospital room. I was in the Intensive Care Unit, on life support. I avoided my room after that.

Slowly, I realised that it was no longer July. Then it was no longer August. September came and went as well.

As time passed, I couldn’t wake up no matter how much I tried. Like Cas had warned me, I started forgetting. I don’t know where I was born. I don’t remember where my uncle lives...nor his name. I started forgetting what Dad looks like.

I forgot how I felt when I first met Cas.

Finally, I was wandering down the halls again when I saw a boy with an AC/DC hat rolling past me in a wheelchair, a bouquet of flowers in his lap.

His face struck me as familiar, but I couldn’t figure out who he was.

I followed him into a room that I had been avoiding. I don’t remember why.

I saw myself lying in a hospital bed. No tubes in my mouth. Several bouquets of flowers in various states of life and death filled the room.

“They said it’s all up to you now,” he said. Cas. I had forgotten what he looked like. “You’re breathing on your own, but you won’t wake up. Please, Dean. I know you probably don’t want to, but wake up, if not for me, for your family. They can’t lose two people in one year.”

I reached forward to touch Cas-

* * *

 

“What’s your name?”

“Dean...Jo...Jon, no, Josh? Jake? W-Winchester..”

“When’s your birthday?”

“January 24th...1989.”

“Where were you born?”

“I don’t know,” I said. The doctor was observing my eye movement and I looked to see Cas in a wheelchair, crying.

“C-Cas?”

“You remember me?”  I smiled.

“How could I forget you-” He smiled at me.

“You’re my best friend after all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm supes sorry.


	3. I Remember...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas helps Dean regain his memories that he lost and Dean learns to move past the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick notes: I typically write on the google docs app on my phone, do a quick read through before posting, and that's it. I have no beta and get auto corrected a lot (plus I just got back from a language immersion trip that has me lacking in English grammar now). I apologise for anything that's incorrect, I try my hardest to prevent these mistakes

Cas stared at me as his smile fell.

"No...Dean, I'm...I'm your boyfriend. I've been your boyfriend for 3 years," Cas said. I actually got the balls to tell him?

"I've only known you for a few weeks though," I said.

"You were in a bad car accident in 4 months ago, you've been in a coma ever since," the doctor explained. "Do you know what year it is?"

"April 2002, but I know that’s wrong," I said. The doctor frowned.

"It’s October 2005," he said.

* * *

It was a shock to me when I began to learn everything I had forgotten. Usually I remembered after a quick recap, but only the older stuff. The newer things, I still don't remember. All I knew was I had this sinking feeling of emptiness and despair. When I asked where Dad was, I realised why I had that feeling. 

I didn't remember being in love with Cas either. I wanted to love him, God did I want to love him, but I don’t remember being sure that I liked guys and I only remember having a crush on him, not being in a full blown committed relationship.

I was still in the hospital for observation, Mom, Sam, and Charlie coming to visit a lot. Cas had to go to physical therapy most of the time. He didn’t tell me why, but I assumed he was in the car with me when we crashed.

The doctors were still contemplating if I needed to be on antidepressants or something since I had hurt myself before the accident. I guess it had something to do with Dad.

I didn’t want to ask how he had died.

I had some physical therapy to get my motor skills going again. They said I lost my spleen in the accident, but I’d be okay otherwise. The lack of blood had deprived my brain of oxygen and it just took a long time for me to reboot.

Other than that, I sat in the hospital bed and tried to get a recap on what I had forgotten.

A few days after I had woken up, Cas came in, pushing himself in his wheelchair with a bag on his lap.

“The food sucks here, so I smuggled you something,”Cas said. He put the bag on my lap and I opened it to find pie. “It’s your favourite!”

“Mmmm, cherry,” I smiled. He frowned.

“I-It’s pecan. My recipe, you said it was your new favourite...I’m sorry...I forgot,” Cas said sadly.

“N-No, it’s okay. If I said it’s my new favourite, it must be really good,” I smiled, digging the fork into the pie. I shoved the fork in my mouth and released a pornographic moan. “Holy shit Cas!”

“Good?” He asked with a smile. I grunted out a yes as I ate more. He kept looking at me with that goofy smile, the one I remember, just less nervous and more sexy. God, puberty must’ve done him well.

“It’s really hot in here,” Cas said, taking off the AC/DC beanie and his jacket. That’s when I noticed he was bald.

“Why’d you cut your hair?” I asked.

“I, uh, I didn’t. It...fell out. After I started chemo,” Cas said. “I have osteosarcoma.”

“T-That's cancer?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said, smiling a sad half smiled. “The worst of the tumor is gone, but I'm still on outpatient chemo until I'm cancer free, but the prognosis is looking good now.”

“That’s...That’s good,” I said with a smile.

“You would visit me everyday, and if you couldn’t, we’d talk on the phone until we fell asleep. The nurses would bring you blankets on nights you stayed and...we’re basically a disgustingly adorable couple.”

I looked at his deep blue eyes. His eyes looked way older than 16. He eyes looked like they had seen hell itself, yet they had a gentleness and softness that made me lean into him.

"Can I...kiss you?" I asked shyly, inches from his face. Cas smiled.

"I've been dying for you to ask," Cas leaned over and kissed me softly at first before completely dominating the kiss and slipping his tongue in my mouth.

"Shit!" I gasped. Fuck, I got a boner. I threw my hands over my crotch. Cas started laughing.

"Hon, its okay," Cas reassured.

"That's embarrassing," I pouted.

"Oh, you don't remember," Cas reminded himself.

"Of course I don't remember! What's even-oh….we...we did it?" I asked.

"We went all the way once. We had messed around a few times before, so I'm no stranger to what's in your pants," Cas said, laughing once he said it. "That sounds so bad.”

“It kinda is in context,” I laughed. “What was it like?”

“We did it in the back of your Dad’s car. It was really clumsy and embarrassing, but it was perfect,” Cas explained. "When I say clumsy, I mean I sneezed and hit my head on the door and then you got worried and sat up and hit your head on the top of the car." Cas smiled and laughed.

"That's so bad," I laughed. He held my hand and a tear formed in his eye.

"Whenever I was sad, you would remind me of that moment and I wouldn't be sad anymore because it's too damn funny," Cas said with a smile. I smiled at him, but noticed his smile fade. "I hope you remember me soon."

* * *

_My lips trailed across his neck as he dug his fingers into my back. He whispered my name and bit his lip as I pushed my hips forward._

_"Cas..." I moaned. "I'm gonna cum." I buried my face in his shoulder as I moved faster._

_"Dean! I'm....I-I-ACHOO! OW!" Cas sneezed and hit his head on the door as we came together. I jumped up._

_"Are you o-shit!" I exclaimed as I hit my head on the roof of the car. We rubbed our heads and laughed as I leaned back against the opposite door. I put a hand on his abdomen and took deep breaths._

_"That's so embarrassing," Cas laughed._

_"I think its cute," I said, pulling him on top of me and kissing him softly._

I opened my eyes to find Tessa checking my vitals.

"Good morning sleepyhead," She said. I threw my head back onto the pillow and sighed. "Everything okay?"

"I just had a weird dream about Cas...about us...He's trying to be positive but he's so sad that I don't remember," I said.

"He really loves you," Tessa said. "Everyday once he got better, he wheeled himself down to the gift shop and got you flowers. He'd hold your hand, talk to you, play your favourite songs...he blamed himself so much for everything. For the accident, the self harm...but he never stopped fighting to get better so once you were awake, he wouldn't be sick anymore. He's not cancer free, but he's doing much better now."

She handed me a shoebox before leaving. It was beaten up and looked to be a few years old. I opened it to find a note from Cas.

_Dean,_

_Maybe these can help you to remember._

_I love you. Forever and always._

_Cas._

Crumpled up notebook papers were first. I smiled. They had mine and Cas' name written on it in hearts, some other random doodles, and I smiled as I saw where Cas contemplated if it would be Winchester, Novak-Winchester, or Winchester-Novak.

I picked up some notes that I had written.

_Ellen's at 3? ~ D_

_Drive-in night? ~ D_

_Just wanted to say I love you! ~ D_

I moved on to a photobooth strip. It was us smiling, then a goofy picture, then us looking at each other before kissing. Cas has scribbled 6 months on the back.

There were more notes from me, asking him if he wanted to do something, cute notes, plans to meet up. I began to wonder if I had my own stash of pictures and letters. There was one that made me laugh.

_These poems are boring, but I wrote a couplet for you:_

_There is this guy I know; his name is Cas_

_And if you ask me, he's got a nice ass._

_Shakespeare can fight me._

I saw some pictures of us doing random things. Cas had taken a picture of us holding hands that had 1 year written in it.

I found boarding passes, metro tickets, and cute Polaroids of us in Paris. I came across another poem I had written for class to him.

_His Beauty Is That Of Grace by D. J. Winchester_

_With bright blue eyes, dark hair, and a sweet face_

_His has a beauty that is that of grace_

_Angels above who have halos and wings_

_Do not compare to the beauty he brings_

_And the demons below can never steal_

_All the things to me that do appeal_

_Do not mistake my love for vanity_

_Because he is way more than that to me_

_For he has a kindness that swells his heart_

_He is so headstrong, so caring, so smart_

_With an angelic charisma and charm_

_I know he will never lead me to harm_

_Some how I became his and he is mine_

_And that's how we'll be past the end of time_

"I remember that one. Homophobe teacher gave you a C for 'titling a sonnet," Cas said. I gasped and turned red as I looked at Cas. Images of him from my dream filled my mind. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"I had a dream last night...it was about car..what you told me," I said shyly. "It was so vivid. It felt real."

"How did it start?" Cas asked.

"We were making out after we finished running-"

"Oh my god!" Cas smiled.

"What?" I asked.

"I never told you that we had just finished running. Dean, you remembered!"

With that, all the letters, notes, kisses...memories. They all rushed back. They had been my dreams I had had this past week... I thought they were dreams. They were real.

And with that, all the memories rushed back as I blacked out again.

* * *

My eyes snapped open and I saw Cas sitting next to me, his head resting on the bed as he slept.

"Cassie? W-Why am I in a hospital bed?"  I asked. His head snapped up and he looked so sad.

"What is April 24th, 2002?" Cas asked.

"Our anniversary... What happened?" I asked.

"Baby, you were in a car accident 4 months ago. You were in a coma and when you woke up you didn't remember us or anything that had happened this past 3 years. I'm just so happy that you're okay!" Cas stood from his wheelchair and fell onto the bed. I helped pull him up, both of us laughing as I pulled him into a kiss.

"I gotta get the doctor," Cas said with a watery smile.

“Just...just hold me right now Cas,” I whispered.

For the next few months, either my mom or Mrs. Novak drove Cas and me to therapy. We had 3 appointments a week. Tuesdays and Thursdays we had physical therapy, mine to make sure I retained proper mobility after being in a coma for so long and Cas to strengthen his leg after being unable to use it for so long. By Thanksgiving, he was on a walker and out of the wheelchair for good.

Wednesdays we had therapy. Cas had a cancer support group while Sam and I attended a support group for children of fallen soldiers. Twice a month I also had one on one with a psychologist to maintain my depression. When my memories came back, my depression hit back hard. Sometimes I think I fell so deep into that coma because I didn’t want to wake up. I was on a daily antidepressant to help those thoughts.

The side effects sucked. Instead of feeling happy or sad in the beginning, I just felt like I was exsisting. I felt empty, but in a more emotionless way than dispair.

But my support group was amazing. Charlie would come over often and we’d watch movies or play video games. Sam would play baseball with me when it wasn’t too cold or snowing. Mom would come into my room before work and we’d just talk about whatever (and she started making me pie a lot too. Cas gave her his recipe).

And Cas.

Cas was like the glue that kept me together in the darkest days. It was just the little things, too. It was like he knew something was wrong, and as soon as I started getting the slightest thoughts that led me to the edge, it was that one phone call or IM that pulled me back together.

In support group, I often heard stories about how some of the others had relationships crumble once they got depression. If anything, Cas and I grew stronger. It was that that made me think Cas and I truly had something special.

Mrs. Novak was driving Cas, Sam, and me to therapy the Wednesday before New Years. Our families had spent the holiday together. It was really hard for us, it was the first Christmas without Dad. His personal effects had finally come back, just in time for the holiday. I don’t know if that hurt or was a good thing.

I was wearing a hoodie that was in the footlocker and Sam was wearing dad’s baseball cap since he was too short and skinny to fit Dad’s clothes. Cas’ fingers were threaded in mine as we rode silent to the therapy center.

“Love you,” Cas leaned up and kissed me. I wrapped my hand around his waist and held him for a while.

“I love you too angel,” I whispered before letting him go and parting ways to go to my therapy session. We were all sat in a circle, the leader of the session in the middle with his clip board.

“This week, we will be doing resolutions. I want you all to write in your journals about something you hope to accomplish in 2006 and what you want your life to be like 10 years from now. This exercise is to help you to start looking to your futures. Because you all do have futures past this moment, very bright futures,” our therapy leader said. Sam and I sat next to each other like usual and wrote in the black and white composition notebooks.

I guess this year I just want to get better. I want to stop coming to therapy, stop needing therapy. I want to stop taking those god awful antidepressants and I just want to move on.

10 years from now....I hadn’t looked that far ahead in a long, long time.

“Sam, would you like to share?” the group leader asked after a while.

“In 2006, I want to do something that would’ve made my dad proud. I want to be able to mourn my dad, but also continue living on past this. In 10 years, I want to be working towards a career in law at Stanford,” Sam said before sitting down.

“Dean?” I stood up and looked around the other people in the group before taking a deep breath.

“This year, I want to get better. Get off the antidepressants, finally find some peace...be happy. And in 10 years...well in 10 years I hope that I can be a mechanic with my own garage. My dad and I talked about opened Winchester and Son when I first helped him with the car when I was 6. And maybe, if it’s legal, I’d like to marry my boyfriend. Because without him...I don’t know where I’d be without him, or my family,” I said. Sam smiled up at me as I sat back down.

Things were going to be okay.

I remember being a depressed, suicidal mess. I remember the turning point, throwing away the blades I had still hid around my room for when the urge got to big. I remember the wounds on my skin and soul slowly closing and becomes scars that will eventually fade away.

I remember finally being happy again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was emotional. I promise the next entry in the series will be better. I might be at uni by time those are posted because I'm really busy preparing to move.
> 
> I really hope you guys like this series, it's the first thing I've written since my bad writers block started.


End file.
